Newly Single

Newly single? Take responsibility. Become empowered.

Not everyone likes to hear this, but I am a huge believer in this simple truth: the only common denominator in all of your past relationships is you. That includes the last one. Whether you want this fella back or not, understanding your part in the break-up is key to moving forward and getting the outcome you want.

Even if you think it’s all his fault or everything that went wrong is 50:50, even if you think it is he who needs to change so the two of you can be happy together again, you can’t control all that. You can only control what you do. Taking responsibility in identifying the lessons you have learnt and applying them is the most important step in going from victim to victor.

If he broke up with you, you may have an idea what about you contributed to his decision to pull out from the relationship. You may think his reasons are unfair and untrue, but the bottom line is, they were big enough of a deal for him to make this drastic move. As much you it may be difficult to admit, he may be right. Sometimes we have aspects of our personalities that are only brought out by particular people and while this trait may not be an issue in all other parts of your life, it just comes out when you assume the position of the girlfriend.

Take some time to think about all of the sore points in your relationship: did you communicate well with each other? Did you compromise? Did you give each other breathing room? Did you struggle to hold on to intimacy? Was there lack of trust? All of these common reasons for break-ups, no matter how one-sided they seem, you have had a part to play in them. Even if you were on the receiving end of some emotionally hurtful behaviour, how you responded to it was entirely your choice. If you were the source of some of the issues (even if you have not acknowledged them as issues), take time to figure out how you can sooth this within yourself.

Now, if you want your ex back, I am assuming he is a pretty awesome guy and you think the plug on you as a couple has been pulled too early. That’s all very well and good, but before you even think of talking to him again, you need to do the inner work and learn the lessons of what happened. No, it’s not all your fault, but there were things that went wrong and you can only change you.

Don’t rush this. It may take weeks to figure out what went wrong and the aspects of yourself that you need to work on, and months to start really living it. But if you do, there is no doubt about that when the time comes, he will notice and things will fall into place. After all, you do not wish the same relationship that failed back. You want a new and a better relationship with the person you love and the way to achieve that is come back to it with a new and better you. He will follow suit.

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