So, I am studying ‘A Course in Miracles’. I heard Eckhart Tolle talking about it, quoting ‘nothing real can be threatened’ and I knew I had check it out. Bought it on Audible and now several hours into listening, 11 lessons and 1 spiritual breakthrough in. I want to tell you about the last part. You know your boyfriend/husband?
His ego hates you.
And, your ego hates his guts too.
Spiritual stuff doesn’t stick easily, most of it goes right over my head. It is not until that something happens in your life and the teaching sheds completely new light, changing your perception in a powerful way. Such was my experience.
Laying in bed, with my new husband by my side, I talked at length about how over the last few weeks, I have been feeling a tad sad. He had been busy and I had been busy too. With a cold plaguing us both and it generally being miserable outside, we’ve not had much quality time. As I shared my feelings and desire to do more couple-y things, rather than sympathy and understanding, I was getting a reluctant agreement and some criticism of being needy. Ouch. I couldn’t understand how his response could be so chilly. Surely this isn’t the way to be when a loved one opens up about something that concerns them? It left me sadder, slightly offended and feeling like I couldn’t now share similar things in the future.
The following morning, still feeling blue from yesterday’s cold reception of my feelings, I resumed my listening of ‘A Course In Miracles’ on my way to the train station. What I heard turned my perception of what happened yesterday upside down. This is what it said:
“The ego is certain that love is dangerous, and this is always its central teaching. It never PUTS it this way; on the contrary, everyone who believes that the ego is salvation is intensely engaged in the search for love. Yet the ego, though encouraging the search very actively, makes one proviso; – do not FIND it. Its dictates, then, can be summed up simply as, “Seek and do NOT find.” This is the one promise that it holds out to you, and the one promise IT WILL KEEP…
The search which the ego undertakes is therefore bound to be defeated. And since it also teaches that it is your identification, its guidance leads you to a journey which must end in perceived SELF defeat. For the ego CANNOT love, and in its frantic search for love, it is seeking WHAT IT IS AFRAID TO FIND. The SEARCH is inevitable, because the ego is part of your mind, and because of its source, the ego is not wholly split off, or it could not be believed at all. For it is your mind that BELIEVES in it, and gives existence TO it. Yet it is also your mind that has the power to DENY its existence, and you will surely do so when you realize exactly what the journey it sets you IS.
It is surely obvious that no-one WANTS to find WHAT WOULD UTTERLY DEFEAT HIM. Being UNABLE to love, the ego would be totally inadequate in Love’s presence, for it could not respond at all. YOU would HAVE to abandon its guidance, for it would be quite apparent that it had not taught you the response pattern you NEED. The ego will therefore DISTORT love, and teach you that love calls forth the responses the ego CAN teach. Follow its teaching, then, and you will search for love, but WILL NOT RECOGNIZE IT.”
This blew my mind.
I realized who it was I was speaking to last night and who was responding to my reaching out. I had seen firsthand how the ego, being unable to love, failed to respond and effectively distorted my concerns, making me feel like I was somehow the bad guy. What’s more, looking back on years of this relationship and the relationships with my family, I saw where the ego had slipped in. Where we truly love someone, it comes in and paints you a skewed picture of them with whatever nasty colors it can get its filthy hands on. It makes you see them as distant, cold, needy, whiney or lazy and tricks you into believing that its picture is the real one.
You react to what you perceive. If you perceive love then so you respond with it, where you are made to perceive fault, you will respond with harshness and attack. I stopped my ego painting my husband as someone who does not understand and is selfish, for I realized that I know this simply is not true. I also realized that his ego hates me. I come with love and try to encourage it, something it cannot bare. So, it gets busy making me out to be anything but loving and attacks because it is the only thing it knows how to do.
Every cloud has a silver lining: what was a difficult conversation with an unsatisfying conclusion, has laid bare the secret workings of the ego. In no time I am sure my husband’s ego will turn its distorted gaze elsewhere and no doubt I will hear more from my ego too, but I will know whose talking and dismiss it like it deserves.